Experiencing Triggers and Exploring Rage

Elisa3logo.jpg

It is fucking hard to be a human sometimes.

I've been burning through a lot of my fears, limiting beliefs, trauma triggers, and negative self talk the past few months. It feels intense right now. I go from feeling hot and fiery, to afraid, sad and heavy, to powerful and confident, and back around again.

Recently a massive trigger was pulled and it made me remember what it is like to feel completely unsafe.

As much as I want to explain the details and blame the human who "did this" to me, I know that for me this is an opportunity to feel, heal, and learn to move forward in spite of everything that scares the shit out of me. To remember that even when I feel terrified, I have everything I need and people around me who love and encourage me.

But right now, I just want to be and love exactly where I am.

Don't tell me to relax and trust. Don't tell me it's going to be okay. Don't try and convince me that I'm actually safe in universal truth. Don't tell me to be grateful for the experiences that shape me. Don't tell me to be careful with my anger and be conscious of perpetuating damaging stories. I know.
Tell me you see me and hear me and love me.

I hate that one misguided human can make me feel powerless, even after all the work I've done to reclaim my power.
I hate that I don't trust people more.
I hate that I don't know exactly what is going to happen in my life and that it sometimes inhibits my clear-minded, open-hearted decision-making ability.
I hate that I project my trauma lens all over the people I love the most.
I hate that I doubt myself and my ideas and my heart, and that the doubt can stop me from shining and sharing who I am with the world.
I hate that I buy into scarcity and victimhood mentalities.
I hate that toxic sex/sexual energy gets in the way of so many beautiful things and opportunities.
I hate that I feel jealous and scared and protective over my relationship and punish anyone who I perceive to be a threat.

This is me at my worst. I want to bash everyone's faces in and then escape into a dark corner and be a hermit for the rest of my life, because maybe then I would be completely safe from harm.

Right now I want the whole world to burn, but namely, I want everything that is not true and pure to feel the heat and turn to ash. Fuck trauma, fuck assholes who don't respect boundaries, fuck toxic ways of thinking and being that don't serve a higher purpose.

I am creating a better human life for myself. Get out of my way. Thank you.

Now to do some yoga.

 

P.S. Photo collaboration with the amazing Elisa Blynn in her intense and fiery alter ego, FEMIN-INFERNO (www.femin-inferno.com). Never before has a subject/photo so perfectly matched my fiery angry side in a way that excites the hell out of me and makes me feel so seen. Dream shoot!

Heather Manwaring