Triggers and Rage Part II: The Reclamation

It is difficult moments like the ones I’m in right now that show me how beautiful, loving, supportive, generous, and grounded the people in my life are, and how good they are at reminding me of my own power and beauty. .

I was recently triggered again and thrown back into the fiery furnace of rage and powerlessness and victimhood by the same monster, different head.

At first I whined and felt utterly frustrated, asking, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?! Why can’t I seem to move on and let go and experience something else?! I’m trying REALLY FUCKING HARD to see and experience life without such an intense trauma lens and stop the patterns and live a different, more peaceful life. I felt angry that I was being forced to look at the same shit again after just two short months.

I spent all day (and most of the night) tossing and turning and burning and wanting the person who triggered me to suffer greatly right along with me. I wanted to scream and yell and stomp and pound and unleash my kraken to destroy him with my white-hot fiery breath. “They must FEEEL the PAIIIIIN.” she hissed to me. I am familiar with this voice, this desire.

But something about this round of rage feels different.

I have really vivid, painful memories of being ostracized, isolated, and “burned at the stake” in my past for wanting to talk openly about the difficult things and speak my truth and point out what doesn’t work. I have resented this. I have felt so ALONE in this. I have felt extreme, paralyzing guilt and shame for being unable to keep my mouth shut. I have hated that I was seemingly burdened with this role. This anger-turned-inwards has resulted in me fearing and wanting to squash and dampen and silence the full power of my voice. Why would I want to continuously experience the fear and pain of isolation?

However, I seem to have found myself in the right environment with the right people at the right time. A sister in my devoted tribe came to my aid and suggested that instead of hating where I am and wanting things to be different, what if I tried making friends with this pattern? With this enraged beast that awakens when a boundary has been severely crossed or is in danger of being crossed?

I immediately broke into tears at this thought. This thing about loving every part of yourself that I teach and preach and want others to do is something I’ve been avoiding in this area of my life. My rage has been both my enemy and my best friend. I have both loved and despised her, and right now it seems as though this is coming up yet again so that I may finally accept and fully integrate her into my being.

This morning, I felt a breakthrough wash over me; the beacon of light and hope I have relentlessly been searching for. There I was, lying in bed feeling suddenly FLOODED by compassion, acceptance, and may I dare say…love.

I love her. I LOVE HER. I finally fucking love and respect her. Fully, wholly. WOAH. Holy tornado.

My fiery rage has been an agent of profound transformation and change. My fire has shown me the next steps on my path and tirelessly prompted me forward. My flames have enlightened me and given me hope in my darkest hours. She has instilled in me a stubborn desire for safety and freedom and higher levels of thinking, being, and acting. She is unwavering and uncompromising when it comes to her heart’s true desires. She is willing to raise and use her voice and stand out from the crowd and burn to ash if necessary for the things she strongly believes in.

She is the most courageous, most beautiful force of nature I have ever met.

What is burning away now is the archetype of the Victim. I do not HAVE to do or say anything. I do not HAVE to constantly be in the trenches or the warrior leading the battle. I am not responsible for changing anyone’s attitudes or opinions or taking on their shit. I am not at the mercy of the oppressive, patriarchal society we have found ourselves in.

I CHOOSE to use my voice. I CHOOSE to risk being thrown out and burned to stand and be the champion for my tender heart and her beautiful vision for a better future. I choose to use my life in service of my highest good and to those who have not yet found the strength in their own voice. I am WILLING to step into the fire and rise into something, someone even greater, stronger, and wiser.

What is burning away now is the guilt and shame of not having a heart that is always open to anyone and everyone—if my heart is guarded around someone, there’s probably a really great reason. What’s burning away are the painful memories of my past experience around the loneliness of speaking my truth. I am shedding the idea and the lie that I am and must do this alone, because it’s not true.

I am no longer alone. I’m not doing this by myself anymore. I have the support I need and I know when to ask for it, and I’m finally willing to receive it. I can lean into sisterhood, I can rely on my badass partner in crime, and most of all I trust myself. I am not powerless.

I am here to reclaim my power. I am here to crawl into my wounds and live through and feel and love them unapologetically. I am here to surrender to the fact that I have never been very good at being anything other than myself. I am here to live an honest life to the best of my ability.

I AM HERE. I choose to be here, and I’m not going anywhere. That is something worth celebrating.

I read a prayer recently that I want to share and leave with you today:

Goddess, free my doubt and unlock my blessings. Chain me to optimism and lock me in love. Let the ones around me reveal their place in my life while I solidify the place in my own. Let the seeds I plant come to fruition while I become the fullest version of myself I can be. Amen.

May you find the courage and strength to reclaim the sides of you that have been in hiding.

May you begin to believe that you have power in every area of your life and use your voice for good.

May you continue to reach for your “impossible” dreams.

I see you. I love you. I believe in you.

Please reach out to me or a trusted friend when you need support, a shoulder to cry on, a safe space to vent, empowering words to prop you up.

You’re worth it. We need you.

Heather Manwaring